i'm baaaaaaaack...

Sorry that it has taken me so long to post... work has been crazy and that is usually when I manage to make a new post. Actually, its been so crazy that I haven't even had time to pee! Is that too much info?? I haven't been in the best of spirits lately, and today, I think I finally realized that everything has just now decided to hit me.

At the end of Grandma's life, I was pretty used to seeing her sick and not really responsive... or at least too tired or distracted by wanting to leave the room to have any "real" conversations with her. Luckily, that last day that I saw her, she "woke up" enough that I was able to say goodbye and tell her that I loved her and she was able to say it back. I cried a lot that day... and strangely enough, didn't shed any tears when I found out that she had passed away. In fact, I maybe cried half a minute when we were at the funeral home and I was trying to say what we should put in the casket. Since then... it's probably been one other cry that didn't last too long. Christmas came and went... it seemed different but since my childhood, all Christmas has seemed different. Well, this past weekend, we've gone to Grandma's house to go through some things. I cried (not very long) about trying to find that little green keychain that she had hanging out her fridge at the "middle" house of our childhood. It was the one that had a picture of her and Papaw in it from Hawaii. Well, of course, I couldn't find it. And today we took all this fabric and quilting stuff up to the quilters at Southcrest and that got me choked up b/c I remember so much of the time just playing under those quilts or running through Trinity Baptist.

I just think everything is hitting me at once... the loss of a family member, the possible change in jobs, and the loss of time with people that I care about. There's one friend that I literally haven't seen in probably 5 months, and she was one of the closest... then the loss of meeting weekly with another woman... and I don't really feel sad about that b/c its due to her having a new baby, but its something that I miss. And even the loss of my former positive attitude... I really felt like I grew a lot in the last year, maybe it didn't seem that I was closer to God... but I felt that He had taught me more about trying to keep focused on God's timing, being positive and always looking for the good in something. With the holidays, and my focus being on all the couples and families about, I lost that. I desperately want it back but it seems like all my emotions are in the way of blocking that as well.

I really think that Josh Wilson's song called "Savior Please" describes it best... maybe if I had more time, I'd write out the lyrics... but I'll just do a shameless plug for him. Buy his cd "Dragonfly"... www.joshwilsonmusic.com its a great one and that song is just "me" at the moment. I know that times like this when I feel the loneliest... that's the times that I need to get close with God. That's what I want. But for some reason, its really hard for me to do. I would love to be able to tell you next year that my greatest thing of 2006 was that I heard God talk to me... something that I could specifically 100% know that was God talking to me! That's what I want... and in my other prayer need: I want more friends. Literally, everyone in my life has something or someone that is their main priority. And all of them should have that someone or something in their life be that #1 (or #2 if you count second to God). I am not asking for a boyfriend (although I wouldn't mind it - that was the other cry that I had today)... and I don't even have to have that "one person" that puts me before everything. But I just want one or two friends that I can call and hang out with. I just want someone tangible that I can reach out to when I feel totally alone in the world without feeling like I am getting in the way of their live or that other someone. I just want that one or two people that I can call when i'm sitting on my butt home by myself...

Is that too much to ask? Maybe it is... God has blessed me with so much in my life... yet I want more. I guess that might be selfishness... but it is the desire of my heart at the moment.

I hope that the next post is a little more upbeat and a little less lengthly. And I hope that y'all have a wonderful week ahead! Come on in to the world, little Ellie, we are ready to meet you!