Desperation

Main Entry: des·per·a·tion
Pronunciation: "des-p&-'rA-sh&n
Function: noun1 : loss of hope and surrender to
despair

That's what I'm feeling this week. I hate this feeling. It doesn't have me totally bummed out but its just at the back of mind waiting to rear its ugly little head in the quiet moments. While I'm not totally hopeless and I still know that God's timing is the right way to go... I have this underlying feeling of desperation. This isn't really about being single, although it might play a part. Its just about knowing when its going to be my turn. That's the question I keep asking God. It boils down to 3 things: job, friends and a future mate.

I have my third interview with Human Sciences on Thursday. So hopefully that is good news. I'm hoping that I'll be able to make a little more money so I know that no matter what, I can support myself. And of course, while I'm still fortunate to have a roomie, I can save for trips! :) I'm not sure if this job will be "my perfect job" or not but I know it will probably be an improvement and give me a chance to learn new skills. I don't have the excitement or the "this is where I have to work" feeling like I did with "B"... but God has something else in store. Who knows, maybe "B" in the future!

As for friends, I cherish the ones that I do have. I know that I will always be able to depend on them when I have times of need for the most part. But I yearn for a friendship that they can't wait to talk to me each day and make time for me. Emily and I always talk of wanting a "Will" in our lives - he was Syd's best guy friend on Alias. I'd like that. I guess I just want one or two more friends that I can just hang out. Maybe it really just is selfishness and pride, b/c it could just mean that I want to be "#1" in someone's life... the relationship that I know might be one that I can give of myself and recieve just as equally.

As for the future mate, I don't really see myself as ready for marriage. Maybe because when it comes to the love aspect, I still feel like a teenager. But I wouldn't mind hearing from God the "hey, your guy will come around soon." I readily admit that I am no where near the woman I would want to be when it comes to having a guy in my life. And I don't want it to be that I think "If I am great with my walk with God, and "least expecting" it of course, I can "earn" a guy. Last night after bible study, I talked to Lu about how I actually emailed a guy I had a crush on. Well, that was stupid. If I want to be pursued and to have a guy in my life that is a spiritual leader, he should make all the moves. Especially when the guy I emailed isn't interested in the slightest! Why do I feel the need for attention or to try to attract attention to myself? That's not what I want in a relationship. I want to know that the guy wants me because it was his idea and not for anything I did. I think another thing that got my attention was that one of the women brought her baby along. I was looking at Ella and just got the feeling that I wouldn't be having babies of my own. I don't know what brought that on but it brought tears to my eyes.

I know this is a long post and y'all are losing interest by hearing the same old thing... its weird though. This feeling isn't really accompanied by depression or anything, so that's good. Its just a need/want... I read last night that if you are bored with your life, that means that you might not be right with God... and that could be true to. So I'm praying that God will do something big in me. I want to be the best that He desires for me.

I am thankful for some things though. Its such an encouragement (even in the "where's mine?" stage) to see what God is doing in my friends. So many babies will be born around the same time and it will be a blessing to see them born and to pray about what God will do in their lives. Then the friends that I have with jobs that they love or at least know specifically what their goal is. And I'm happy to hear from my friends about the new friends/encouragers they are making so that their lives are fulfilled. So God is good and I can praise him for those!

Patient endurance is what you need now,

so you will continue to do God's Will.

Then you will receive all that he has promised.

~ Hebrews 10:36