So at the moment, I've just called all my friends. All of whom are out, which is pretty understandable since "normal" churches have Sunday night things. I'm not sure really exactly what I want to talk about... I just feel like I need someone at the moment. And that's funny too, b/c there have been more people around me lately this week then ever before, which is also a little overwhelming. I know I like hanging out with people but I guess somehow underneath it all I might be a loner. Even though , I also hate being alone... Make sense? Probably not. Don't worry, it doesn't to me either.
I guess this week I've been overanalyzing life... which is the unpleasant side effect of having that charming melancholy personality. This week, I have really been desiring a closer walk with God. I picked up a devo, the One Year bible to read with a friend, and this other book about being a woman with confidence. Not sure if its good but it was $3 and I need help in that area.
I'm sure this is totally Satan but I've also felt like I can't trust God. Crazy, since out of everyone in the world, including family, He's the only one waiting to shower me with His perfect love. I guess I'm getting antsy about my future. No, more like selfish. When I can I figure out what I want to do in life, and when will it become available to me... when will it be my turn to have that special someone in life. Will I be able to find something to make enough money to totally support myself in the future? I mean, money isn't everything but I do have to make a certain amount... Then there's the stupid little paranoias... lol Of course, my love life (lack of actually) is a really good paranoia... but even something stupid like how I am scared to walk Gus on my own b/c I am scared of other dogs. I hate it. But you know, that pup needs exercise and so do I. Those are things I should just trust God on to watch out over me. The bible does say that God makes sure even birds get the food they need, so I should trust him to provide for my future and the desires of my heart. I'm feeling weighed down by it though.
A friend told me some really great news this week and I am very happy for that person. Yet, at the same time, I felt like crying. Not sure exactly why but then that night all I needed was someone there, and I couldn't do anything b/c you don't need to wake up someone at midnight. Even now though, I can't exactly pin down what my emotions were or what I wanted to say... But I do know that in those times of where I feel alone and lost, that's when I need God. My prayer and plea to God is that I get to the point where anytime I feel like that, I can feel God just pouring his love out on me. That's my prayer at this moment, that God will totally start impacting me.
And on that note, I'm going to start reading the confidence book, go get some yogurt and try to be productive by doing some laundry.
P.S. Sorry so ramble-y.
